April

Wow, it seams like I am heading towards an entry a month??? That's pretty sad. I wonder, is it because life is settling down, or because I am losing motivation. Not much has changed with Anne and I. It is what it is. If I talk to her I do and if I don't then I don't. It doesn't bother me if she wants to or not anymore. I've learned that she wants the world to work on her time and that is the only time that matters. And with that I also learned that I can live by my own standards and not have to wait around for anyone. Moving on is easier said than done, but I'm doing it.

Mike and I are, well, not too far off from completely diminished. We have our few spurts of reminiscent friendship conversations that last moments and then are gone before I realize how uncomfortable they were to begin with. It's kind of like being haunted. You get those few moments that feel like nothing ever changed and you are discussing school over dinner, and in an instant, he goes out to drink and hang out with people that he deems worthy of his friendship. It's funny now. It was my unstable and emotional mess that he could not deal with. He broke my heart, was I supposed to just laugh it off? I lingered and cried and tried. Now that I have moved passed that, he just moves more distant. Even his friends don't understand why he makes himself feel weird around me. He brings tension.

Normally, I cope and I cope well, but then we get those moments where I look at him and I miss the affection, the intimacy, the love. And I shake my head and look again. I see his bland stare and his expressionless face and get reminded that he really doesn't want to be here. I've tried talking to him and telling him that he brings tension to the house and he can act a certain way. He calls me crazy and that it's just me looking into things too much. God forbid I bring in his friends and say that they feel the same way. He'd say it's not about them. I'd say that he didn't believe me unless I'm not the only one that felt that way, and he'd deny it...its a crazy circle that I just don't try with anymore.

My boys...I know any one that has read this is like...she has boys??? I do and I love them to death. They are the constant in my life and for lack of being a better mother, they love me unconditionally. I love walking into the house and thier little faces just light up. They are behaving sooo much better lately that I couldn't be happier. I just need to work on spending quality time with them since I work so much.