He'll miss me...

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Don't do it...

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Be careful...

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I wanna be...

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Don't replace me...

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Cluster Fudge!

Today was a normal day at work. I got along with Anne, and it seems that my husband can sense these things, because he asked me if I was talking to her again, and I didn't know how to answer him. I work with her... I HAVE to talk to her. I don't have to talk to her about anything personal, but she knows me and she knows when I feel like something is wrong. She is a force of nature to be reckoned with and she can be heard, not in a bad way, but she can get me to talk and forget and be nice and share my story...so I did. And she gave me advice as usual. Not good advice for my husband, and he didn't like what I had to say, so he said that I would get hurt if I keep talking to her and she said that he needs to get over whatever he had in his head because she DID NOT like him like he says and she will not loose me over that. She told me to tell him that he had to deal with her being my friend because she wasn't going anywhere and that if she ever sees him, she will slap him. Of course I didn't say that, I just want all the drama to end. I want to live life and move forward and I keep getting stuck. He has good points, she has good points, and I have no motivation to hear either one of them out. I don't know who the liar is and I don't know who to trust. I am just giving my husband the chance and talking to her once in a while.... But this will spin out of control and I will get screwed. I always get screwed. I just want to be happy and with him I have to work at it. With her she makes me happy and then I find out I have been betrayed when I find out they are talking. I just don't freakin know anymore!!!

Bar hopping...

Saturday, I went to karaoke with my husband. We went to this new but very little bar close to home because our DJ changed locations. It was fun, we sang, drank...good time. He received a call from one of his friends and we decided to meet her up at another bar on the other side of town. I had never been to that bar so I decided to go. Long story, but I rarely hang out with him. I guess since we live together, its all the me that he can take for now. We met her and she decided to buy us drinks since we finished our money at the first bar. "Joe." Ah yes. All coming back to me now... There was this guy named Joe and that's all I know. He was VERY friendly to say the least. He was very clingy and grabby. I didn't mind for the most part, but I was constantly whispering to the two people I was supposed to be with to "Help me!" Yeah, that didn't work. They just laughed and I laughed. He followed us to another bar and didn't stay more than 6 inches away from me. He was cute and fit and since I am not the smallest person around, I enjoyed the attention. I did make it clear that nothing was going to happen, but deep down, I kind of wanted to kiss him. I mean, my husband and I are getting a divorce, I am all alone, and a small part of me wanted to make him jealous and another part wanted to feel wanted again. But I decided that it shouldn't happen that way. It should be with someone that truly wants me, not after a bunch of drinks, but sober and in daylight. I know, I know....my husband said I was too picky and that he wouldn't help me because I had to learn how to deal with that kind of situation myself. I wanted him to step in and say I was his! That didn't happen. I don't know... I can feel he got jealous, and on our way home he said he had no right to. He is correct. He has no right to get jealous, but I would like him to. Some thing to say that I am his and no one else's but I think I am chasing something long gone...

About me...

~I live to love.
~I love to laugh.
~I am smart.
~I am strong yet weak.
~I am shy yet assertive.
~I can handle a great deal of pain.
~I want to go to school.
~I want financial stability.
~I have two GREAT kids.
~I love to listen.
~I am responsible.
~I think lies will always come out...so save the trouble.
~I don't have a friendship that isn't broken.
~I trust too easily, but it's not soooo bad.
~I wish I was a better mom.
~I love ALL music.
~I love movies and music from when I was growing up.
~I love to make people happy.
~Smiles are a great thing to hide behind.
~No one needs to know you are breaking inside...they think they know, but have no idea.
~A woman must have some secrets.
~Never give 100% of you to anyone, because it sucks when they don't give it back to you.
~I am afraid of spiders.
~I love animals.
~I can be the biggest bitch and the kindest friend.
~Life and marriage is NOT meant to be easy...just worth it.

Back home again...

So today is Saturday night and I came back home from a trade show that I worked since Thursday. It was interesting and oddly tiresome this time. I had forgotten my prescription at home the lack of medication took it's toll on me. Other than that I had alot of time to myself. Enjoyable moments came and gone and I was left with only myself to be with. I had alot to think about. As I walked the hotel, thinking about everything and playing music on headphones from my phone, it almost felt movie like. When the main character finally has a moment to think about what has happened to him and the perfect song comes into play. It felt really good and funny to say the least. I walked around. Watched people. Ate dinner alone. I kind of realized that if I didn't have children, this is the kind of lifestyle I would've submerged myself into. I would've used my work to forget about all my troubles...well, not forget, but run away from. I spent this time not so much thinking about what happened to me and how to cope with loosing someone so close, but on how I would feel alone. I knew my kids would always be there at home missing me, so it wasn't hard to imagine them, but more so a life with out that someone special to share stuff with. I missed him. I wanted to share my food. Watch movies. Get drunk .... with someone. I know that right now I think that he is my one and only and I don't want to be with anyone else. I have to learn to be happy alone, because I don't want to jump into another relationship like he is trying to just because I am lonely and I have a void in me because of lack of companionship. He used my best friend to fill his void and he doesn't think that I have a void myself. Sure I do. I miss romance, friendship, love...all those things. I just want to learn to deal with them alone so I don't burden the next man. I also learned that I have alot of fixing to do physically if I want to pursue anything with anyone else. Yes some men see past the looks, but it's the first impression that you have to get past to get that far. I need to give a good first impression. I enjoyed my time alone, but I longed for someone to share some of that time with...

Alex's Birthday !!

Waiting at the doctor's office really sucks...I hate being ill.

At least I was able to go home and give my son a really nice birthday party. My parents came over and it was awkward to say the least. They only know bits and pieces of what is really going on and I just don't want them involved. The relationship that they maintain with my husband is very important to me...more important that the one I hold with them. I am not sure why I feel this way but I just do. I need them to not alienate him, and vice versa. There were cupcakes and balloons, my old family and my new one. It was very nice. I think I can do this...

Not so simple...

"As children we figure things out early, and as adults we like to complicate them. Sometimes it really is that simple." - my husband. I totally agree with him. The thing is that I have strayed so far away from my childhood memories, that I no longer remember what made me happy them. I didn't have a bad childhood but I blocked so much out that now I don't know how to get that back. If it really is that simple, then why is it so hard for me? Back then I was happy when I won an award, or pleased the teacher. I remember loving to draw and sing. As far back as I can go, I always remember being happy by making other people happy. Is that wrong? How do I define myself if I have always been defined by other people's happiness? I am lost at this point. I want to move forward but I am stuck and don't know how. I am tied to the past by pain, and I think the future is too far away. It hurts to let go and feels like failure. I don't really know how to cope. I am just making it easier on everyone involved by pretending that I am ok with everything, but I'm not. I don't want to loose my husband, but he left me emotionally a long time ago. I can't fix anything or get anything back, so I have to move on, but that hurts even more. I want to explore my own happiness and see things for myself, it just seems soooo unreachable. Where do I go from here?

What if...

I don't know why I get the really eerie feeling that when all is said and done with the divorce, I will end up the way my husband is now with his "what ifs". It's not that I don't have them. Who doesn't? They help us survive when we have nothing. Give us that last push to reach a goal. I have them every day. I also wonder. I ponder. I think...is this it? Is there more? What if...? But I can honestly say with my husband. It's not that I lost who I was, or became another him... its that I was happy. Happy enough to not need the "what if" to survive. It would be nice to know, but it no longer took over my thoughts and life. If what if never happened and my life was exactly the same, I would've been happy.

The weekend...

This weekend went pretty well. I worked, I went home, spent time with my kids and my husband. We discussed how we would split our taxes...I'm trying really hard to be fair, even though deep down, I think he should get what he earned and not more, because him going back to school and keeping a small schedule was his choice and his alone. He decided it and had to get a job with very little hours so very little pay and very little tax return, but he has his own opinions about us and we will never agree, so for the sake of co existing, I think I will let him win one last time before we get divorced. I wonder if my boys will ever be normal? I spent all day arguing with them to clean up their room and it's not that they don't listen, it's that I don't think they comprehend. I wish I could communicate with them more. I wish I could have conversations with them. I want to play and interact with them but I don't think I can. I try and they always go overboard and it takes me forever to settle them down.

Monday, I am going to talk to my boss about a trip to New York and schooling. Once I talk to him, I will talk to my parents to see if they can watch the kids so I can attend school. My husband is still going and he wants to continue to go even after he finishes, so I have to kind of just jump in there.

Everything will work out I hope...

Complete Confusion...

Unbelievable...I have never wanted to say sooo much and not had the words to. I was at work today, being the same cordial person that I have been throughout this whole ordeal. I had a Dr's appointment early and by the time I finished it was lunch time... so I called work and asked if anyone wanted anything from Taco Bell. One of the girls gave me the order and she asked anyone if they wanted anything. Of course my "Best Friend" said that she wanted a soft taco and a large diet coke. Now normally this would be nothing out of the ordinary, but because of our situation that has been going on lately, and since we were not speaking, and this doesn't make any sense...but I asked if she wanted cinnamon twists. I know this sounds soooo whatever but it's just me and I wanted to know. Apparently, this lead to us emailing all day long. She said her piece and I said mine. I wanted to know where she was when I needed my best friend. I wanted to know why when I needed her she was too busy playing with my husband. I understand that our marriage is over, but until it's done, it's not. I wanted to know why she could so easily say that she cared about me the most and hurt me the most. So, we had dinner at Chili's, the same one we always go to and waited. We ate and talked and drank. It felt like nothing bad had ever happened between us. She can make me feel like she never hurt me and I have to work extra hard to remember why I was so hurt to begin with. One thing bothers me and that is that she is so carefree about this whole situation. She said if I wanted, we could never talk again. How do you do that. How do hurt someone and then pretend like they don't matter. I cant' be a switch. I have to work hard to not talk to her, to not be the one to go back to her. She admitted alot to me. She continuously stated that all she had with my husband is a friendship and that when she is his friend, it's not my business. Well, he and I agreed we would stay close. She swears she always reminded him he had a wife and that he got the wrong idea about them. She said that she doubts he will keep his promise and that he will be the first to call her. He used to not want to be with me here and run to her. She is right...we have a history. She said you can't just throw away history. I agree with her. I want to trust her. She makes it so easy to, but is it real. I don't know. Will she hurt me again... probably. Should I focus more on getting through my divorce and my kids...of course. Will I? Who knows... I am confused, I am indecisive, and I do need to clear my head. But at this point, I know where I want to go, I just don't think it will benefit me. I am going to get hurt again, but don't I always say... a moment of something wonderful is worth a lifetime of nothing special?

Want

I am sitting here in twelve degree weather waiting to see Cloverfield with a guy that I can't wait to get to know all over again! And I wouldn't be anywhere else. I live for emotion and my ambitions are fueled by emotion. School seems like a possibility now and I am looking to a brighter future.. well at least right now anyway. I want to do more in life and I want to stop living with the satisfaction of having a mediocre life. I want excitement. I want passion. I want friendship. I want to live. I want love. I want more...

Insecurity

Have you ever had that feeling that no matter how much you want to believe in someone, you have that overwhelming feeling that they are not going to keep their promise. Last night my husband decided to share something with me... I had previously told him that it was up to him to decide what he wanted to do with his life. However, if he decided to continuously flaunt his relationship with my ex-best friend in my face, I could have no part in it and he would have to leave our home. So, last night, he said that it was over. We still are getting divorced and trying to be friends, but he said he chose family and wanted to stay here to work out some sort of arrangement. I said that it would be hard, but I would trust him. Now I understand that I said trust and I have to trust him, but he had let me read her response to his final e-mail...and it was far from goodbye. More like, in time when I leave my husband and we have a chance type stuff...that made me sick to my stomach because it seemed that there was always someone that she loved and was willing to leave her husband for. The other guy this time last year was instant connection and love and amazement. I am just sick that she can toy with him and have no remorse. So, I want to believe him, but every part of my being says that it's not over and they won't stop and she will hurt him. I know that we are over, but that doesn't mean I stopped caring about him...

Love

The heart has its reasons...which reason knows not of.

"On the side..."

You know, today I have the overwhelming feeling to try to be happy regardless of the way life has been lately. I'm actually pretty tired right now of dwelling on sadness and misery and woe is me. So, I will talk about the things that make me happy. Recently, I have found peace in writing and letting it all out to whom ever decides to read this... It's like I have a secret friend out there that won't judge me based on the total truth of what I feel and think. It feels really good to be able to let it all out and not concern myself with how people will perceive my thoughts. I want to write more and I want to sound more intelligent when I write so I am secretly dreaming of going back to school, but I can't tell anyone, especially my husband because he will just see it as another instance of me trying to be like someone else and in his case...my ex-best friend. I can't tell him that I really have been wanting and trying to make him a journey cd of songs that have reminded me of us and our life and friendship...the good and bad times-all kinds of crazy songs, because "SHE" has been showing him country music about them and giving him enough songs to make a cd for himself from her... I just can't win because no matter what I want to do...it's already been done and no matter what I want to try, I will always be compared and never seen as original. It's ok, I have already started and I will just wait to give it to him as a gift. School...school, I think I am going to keep a secret when I start. I think that I am going to take a class or two. One in business administration, and maybe an English or writing class to brush up on my skills. To be able to feel like I am good enough...good enough for me, and not anyone else will feel amazing. I want to be proud of myself and say that I can achieve anything that I truly set my mind on will be a great accomplishment in my life. Who knows..maybe one day write a book about me and leave it to my children...I want them to read about who their mother truly was and how she really felt about everything. I may not always have the strength or courage to say what I think and I have this big wall that I put up so that everyone can see me as a mean and tough person, but I can't even begin to tell you how fake that is. Pretend that nothing bothers you and you will be fine. That concept is great but it failed with my husband. Ironically, he always sees me as attacking everyone and he feels the need to fight me off to protect them. Protect me, Defend me, Love me... eh, at least it shows me that I have me and that should be enough. No more husband bashing, if you only knew the whole truth and past, he really is a great man. Otherwise it wouldn't suck so much to loose him. Didn't I say I was trying to be happy? Geesh, stay on track would you!?

Unfortunate

Betrayal...a subject no one wants to face. I have experienced it first hand and I am not built for that type of lifestyle. I can't do that to people or understand how it can be done. I don't know how you are supposed to sleep at night, knowing that at the end of the day your only goal was to make you self happy and satisfied at the expense of others. I do know that with it comes Spite and Denial and you loose yourself in yourself. Since I am rambling and you might wonder where all this came from, I will explain. I had a friend. We became close. I trusted her. I trusted her more than any woman should trust another woman. I trusted her with my husband. Big mistake! This leaves me at the point of my first post about my husband. You can let your imagination run wild, but I'm pretty sure you know where I'm headed. No I don't think there was sex involved. It was more than that. My husband explained himself...they texted, IM'd, e-mailed, spoke, and kissed. Pretty much your average high school relationship. Although my marriage was "on the way out" to my husband, I think that my friend (as my friend) should not have fueled that decision. She helped with telling me that he was no good, a bad husband, "I should kick him out", I can heal without him, etc. In that same time, she would communicate with him and she would be his ear and shoulder. How do you manipulate and lie and cheat and steal with someone that is supposed to be your friend. I knew how my husband felt from when we sat down and talked about it. He was honest. Honest for the most part. She was not. I am not only mad at her, he hurt me more than you could ever imagine, but SHE was supposed to be MY friend. She was supposed to listen to me and not run to him...how do you think she knows what he likes? How does she know about soul mates? About the bible movie? All the proof I know is only what I have caught or come across, so I can only imagine what else he thinks she wonderfully knows about him because of me. I always spoke great of him...too great. I just never thought that someone would be so about themselves that they have no compassion or moral left in them to establish that sort of relationship with someone else's husband. Especially when she is married herself. That is probably her excuse..she is unhappy and married and so is he and so I would never understand him and her spouse would never understand her. So why not ease each other's pain right? BS!! It's not right and in the end I don't think it's wort all that you loose. I can't forgive her because I don't want to fall into the same mistake again. My husband thinks that she is not as I say and he believes me only to a certain extent. Maybe my hurt is blinding me or making me take everything and blow it out of proportion, but that is what happens when you loose trust. She left me with no one. No husband, and no best friend... the funny thing is that I was asked just today, "Why do you still refer to her as your best friend"? And to be honest... I don't know why. I don't know what makes me miss her because she hurt me and humiliated me and tried to break me...without even trying too hard. I should hate her, I just can't... She is right-I am weak. But weak or not, I can't do this again. I just can't.

Angel

I stared out of the balcony yesterday... it was serene like. I stood there and couldn't believe it could feel so peaceful after the roller coaster year I've had. I am hopelessly in love with my best friend and I after a 7 year marriage, I love him...enough to let him go. I am trying to see life from his point of view. We love each other, are NOT in love, and are NOT right for each other. I want to agree with him just so that I am able move on, but a HUGE part of me can't believe that. It may just be me not wanting to see what is right there in front of me! To believe that he was my happily ever after is my dream ending but I can't control other people. I've learned that I can only hold on to the great old memories and attempt to create new ones. New ones not with my husband, but only as best friends. I think that love is a gift. One that you should want to give to someone and they should want to receive it. If that's gone then life is very hectic because you have to rely on everything else... I am half to blame for the demise of my marriage, mostly because I always knew about the changes that needed to be made and the effort that needed to be put in and the other life that I was responsible for keeping happy. My biggest mistake is that I thought I always had the time to do those things. Life will not wait and those you love will not continue to be hurt by you until you feel that you are ready to change. It's not fair to them nor you in the long run. I believe that I always had the opportunity and the power in my possession to make this work but I never took it. I thought, if I just wait a little more, then I can totally commit to making this work. It's too late now because I chose time over him and he couldn't wait. He needed me to be the one to try this time...he needed to see me for me, and not just his naggy wife. He needed to remember why he loved me and why he was there, and I let him down. I can't control what happens with us from now on...we will get a divorce, time will move on and life will continue. What I can do is not let him down as a great friend. He will always be the friend that knows me best and father of my kids. A new responsibility had risen from all this and that is a responsibility to make a family work for the sake of us. I need more of him and he needs more of me. This is my second wind...my second chance to make things right. I don't think he will ever see me as right for him. Or if he will ever see him as right for me. But I can be there for him when he falls or when he flies. Here's to hoping that it's true - if you lose, you win.