"As children we figure things out early, and as adults we like to complicate them. Sometimes it really is that simple." - my husband. I totally agree with him. The thing is that I have strayed so far away from my childhood memories, that I no longer remember what made me happy them. I didn't have a bad childhood but I blocked so much out that now I don't know how to get that back. If it really is that simple, then why is it so hard for me? Back then I was happy when I won an award, or pleased the teacher. I remember loving to draw and sing. As far back as I can go, I always remember being happy by making other people happy. Is that wrong? How do I define myself if I have always been defined by other people's happiness? I am lost at this point. I want to move forward but I am stuck and don't know how. I am tied to the past by pain, and I think the future is too far away. It hurts to let go and feels like failure. I don't really know how to cope. I am just making it easier on everyone involved by pretending that I am ok with everything, but I'm not. I don't want to loose my husband, but he left me emotionally a long time ago. I can't fix anything or get anything back, so I have to move on, but that hurts even more. I want to explore my own happiness and see things for myself, it just seems soooo unreachable. Where do I go from here?
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