Angel

I stared out of the balcony yesterday... it was serene like. I stood there and couldn't believe it could feel so peaceful after the roller coaster year I've had. I am hopelessly in love with my best friend and I after a 7 year marriage, I love him...enough to let him go. I am trying to see life from his point of view. We love each other, are NOT in love, and are NOT right for each other. I want to agree with him just so that I am able move on, but a HUGE part of me can't believe that. It may just be me not wanting to see what is right there in front of me! To believe that he was my happily ever after is my dream ending but I can't control other people. I've learned that I can only hold on to the great old memories and attempt to create new ones. New ones not with my husband, but only as best friends. I think that love is a gift. One that you should want to give to someone and they should want to receive it. If that's gone then life is very hectic because you have to rely on everything else... I am half to blame for the demise of my marriage, mostly because I always knew about the changes that needed to be made and the effort that needed to be put in and the other life that I was responsible for keeping happy. My biggest mistake is that I thought I always had the time to do those things. Life will not wait and those you love will not continue to be hurt by you until you feel that you are ready to change. It's not fair to them nor you in the long run. I believe that I always had the opportunity and the power in my possession to make this work but I never took it. I thought, if I just wait a little more, then I can totally commit to making this work. It's too late now because I chose time over him and he couldn't wait. He needed me to be the one to try this time...he needed to see me for me, and not just his naggy wife. He needed to remember why he loved me and why he was there, and I let him down. I can't control what happens with us from now on...we will get a divorce, time will move on and life will continue. What I can do is not let him down as a great friend. He will always be the friend that knows me best and father of my kids. A new responsibility had risen from all this and that is a responsibility to make a family work for the sake of us. I need more of him and he needs more of me. This is my second wind...my second chance to make things right. I don't think he will ever see me as right for him. Or if he will ever see him as right for me. But I can be there for him when he falls or when he flies. Here's to hoping that it's true - if you lose, you win.