Ugly...

Ugly and mean...I don't want to be this way. I don't want to find reasons to argue with him. I don't want to be mean. I don't want things to get ugly. It's all 'I want I want I want", and not fair to him. Things have gotten this way and he is at fault just like me. I am hurt so I lash out. Then he comes back at me with a wave of coldness that stops me dead in my tracks. He is better at this than me. He can completely be cold and be fine. I am cold and then I feel bad. I am hurtful and then I am in pain for what I did. I don't know how to be cold and fine. But I can't keep this up. Someone has to give again, and it will be me. If he can't keep up his half of everything, he has to leave. Its not up to me to make sure he is ok. He has made his decision about me and I have to go along with it. He chooses to not love me, he chooses the way he is around me. It's not poor Mike anymore. It's wake up and realize that you are trying to chase a rainbow and it hasn't even rained yet. That's how far away his heart is from mine and I have to love him enough to accept his decisions. I am not yet strong enough to just not care... he can be TERRIBLE, and I can't see myself shutting him out. But I can be terrible too and he has done a fine job shutting me out. Life is hard enough without love getting in the way...