May

Hello everyone,

So once a month it is! Not so bad. It's not like I am keeping anything bottled in. May has been pretty interesting though. I get along better with Mike. We are room mates so to speak, and we even had like a 4-5 day spurt where we missed each other a whole lot. Or maybe just the intimacy we had? Either way it ended, he backed away again and I have been sick so we just are again. One day at a time is totally true! Some days I miss him and others are very easy to deal with. I still get pretty lonely, but not enough to cry over! It's pretty peaceful at home and I like it that way. The only thing that bothers me a bit is that I have no control over what will happen, so I can't plan. I love to plan! I want to know if I am staying where I am at or if I have to move... but I don't and I have to be ok with it. I am not going to push for empty promises or fake answers to questions. One day at a time is good enough for me.

On the subject of Anne...whatever. The only maturity she shows is in her appearance. I can honestly say I have never dealt with anyone so childish in my life. It's always me me me with her and I don't want to give that kind of energy anymore. Don't want to make plans with her anymore or even bother to exert so much energy into her wishy washy problems. If she fixes them, good for her. If not, not my problem anymore. She loses friends alot and I can see why. I am not ending our "strange friendship" but I am not investing nearly what I used to into it anymore.

My kids are great! They are happy bouncy kids and that makes me feel that they way we are handling our situation is working. As long as the boys don't get affected in a negative way, I am totally ok with the way we do this. Even if no one agrees with me. They see us happy and happy with them. They get to see mom and dad every day for now and I couldn't ask for more. We shall see what the future holds....I pray that Mike stays this committed to his kids when he finally breaks free from us.

I was in the hospital last week for my Lupus. I had a bad reaction to a pain medication they gave me and my eyes are bloodshot! I look like a demon on Halloween. I doesn't hurt, but it looks like it does! Hence, me staying away from people cuz I think I will scare them.

Well that's it for me for now... either than that, today is a good day and I want to go out and run a muck! Have a great Holiday!

April

Wow, it seams like I am heading towards an entry a month??? That's pretty sad. I wonder, is it because life is settling down, or because I am losing motivation. Not much has changed with Anne and I. It is what it is. If I talk to her I do and if I don't then I don't. It doesn't bother me if she wants to or not anymore. I've learned that she wants the world to work on her time and that is the only time that matters. And with that I also learned that I can live by my own standards and not have to wait around for anyone. Moving on is easier said than done, but I'm doing it.

Mike and I are, well, not too far off from completely diminished. We have our few spurts of reminiscent friendship conversations that last moments and then are gone before I realize how uncomfortable they were to begin with. It's kind of like being haunted. You get those few moments that feel like nothing ever changed and you are discussing school over dinner, and in an instant, he goes out to drink and hang out with people that he deems worthy of his friendship. It's funny now. It was my unstable and emotional mess that he could not deal with. He broke my heart, was I supposed to just laugh it off? I lingered and cried and tried. Now that I have moved passed that, he just moves more distant. Even his friends don't understand why he makes himself feel weird around me. He brings tension.

Normally, I cope and I cope well, but then we get those moments where I look at him and I miss the affection, the intimacy, the love. And I shake my head and look again. I see his bland stare and his expressionless face and get reminded that he really doesn't want to be here. I've tried talking to him and telling him that he brings tension to the house and he can act a certain way. He calls me crazy and that it's just me looking into things too much. God forbid I bring in his friends and say that they feel the same way. He'd say it's not about them. I'd say that he didn't believe me unless I'm not the only one that felt that way, and he'd deny it...its a crazy circle that I just don't try with anymore.

My boys...I know any one that has read this is like...she has boys??? I do and I love them to death. They are the constant in my life and for lack of being a better mother, they love me unconditionally. I love walking into the house and thier little faces just light up. They are behaving sooo much better lately that I couldn't be happier. I just need to work on spending quality time with them since I work so much.

Hiatus

It has been about a month since my last post and I am pretty upset that it hasn't been for lack of drama. I don't know why I stopped writing, I stopped caring. Alot has gone on. I talk more with Anne, even though recently, she has been acting very juvenile and after all that has gone on, she still thinks her needs and wishes come first, but they don't. So as of right now, I am not bothering myself with her. As for Mike, it got pretty ugly. He completely stopped our friendship, so we really didn't have any sort of relationship other than we are biologically connected for the sake of our sons. Then a revelation happened. I stopped crying over him and the more Anne told me about what they talked about, the less I cared for him. He repeatedly cheated on me in Florida and here in Illinois with different girls and everytime I had a hard time believing his excuses, my gut was in fact true and they were lies... I see him as a boy that has much growing up to do and I feel sorry for him if he does not. I loved him with all of me and yeah, I contributed to our problems, but I will not nor ever be a part of the reason that he strayed away to cheat on me. That makes me look at him with complete and utter disgust. How do you always say these are things that you don't tolerate in a marriage WHILE you are doing them? Oh well, I can now be certain that we will never be together again. I must admit. I miss him, I miss the Mike that I THOUGHT I knew. I think that Michael was gone long ago and this excuse for a husband is what stayed. I can never forgive him for being less of man than he portrayed himself to be. For not stepping up and being the leader of the family. For making me feel like I had to step up, and for making me feel like I was nothing to him. I stopped letting his mood decide my happiness and it has been very good. I met Anne's friend Justin online, and he seems really nice. He is married with two kids aswell and we can talk for hours about our families and our life. It's good to make new friends and not feel so alone. Rhonda is hanging out with me but here is a fine line in that relationship because that is Michael's best friend. Michael and I had a very bad fight about a week ago and it got physical. That being said, I don't ever want to be with a man that would hit a woman. I hit back and we fought. He tried to tell me that he didn't beat me and that WE fought. I said of course, I'm not a stupid woman, if you strike me, I'm going to get you back! But he did make the first move in the fight. So after that day I have now lost all respect for Michael and I don't really care what he does in his life as long as he takes care of his boys. If he doesn't, then he doesn't need to be a part of their lives. Simple as that. So, not al is well, but it's getting there... only time can heal and tell.

???

Today was not bad. My boss did not come into work today and so it was just me, Dan, and Anne. Pretty boring day if you ask me. We always complained that JoAnne made it impossible for us to talk, but I think that is the case with just about anyone. I found out that today Mike spent the day bored out of his mind and not once did he call me. I think he is seeing someone but the truth is... it's not any of my business. It hurts to know that and I do feel bad. I miss him. Unfortunately, he makes it obviously clear that I cannot be part of his life at all. I am here to help with the rent so that we can take care of the kids, but that's it. Yeah it hurts...what can I say? I've got to move on. He was lonely, yet didn't really want me to come home. I dunno. I just wanted something, anything, but that is too much to ask. We shall see. Only time will heal me and tell...

White Flags...

Life is too short on BS! Yet, it seems like that is what is occupying most of my life. I really am learning not to show that I care, so that people think I don't care so they can move on in their own ways and stop causing me drama. I just want to be happy with my home and kids and I am scared that I won't be able to afford it. I want to have my own home and live my own life for me... So, here it is. I am seriously considering moving me and the kids to Miami or New York. In New York, I have my family that will watch the boys while I work, but money would be tight there. In Miami, I have a grandmother that would watch them, and friends that I haven't seen in years! So I think that I am going to talk to the people I need to. I really think I am going to make this happen. You only get one life to be happy right? You only get one chance...I am going to stop caring about Michael and start moving on with my own life. I have been thinking about him and his happiness for so long and as everyday goes by, his animosity towards me is growing greater and greater. I need to stop letting his actions hurt me because that is all I get and in turn I end up doing the same. I need to move on before he hates me...or I hate him. He doesn't want me anymore and it's time I let him live life without me. Tony said to stop helping him and stop being nice if he isn't. He told me to be a bitch if I have to. I won't do that because I look at him and I want to cry, but I am going to be stronger... I have to... One day at a time and before you know it, I will have something else to right about besides Michael... I look forward to that day. That is my goal.

The Lunar Eclipse

It was very calm and tranquil...a beautiful sight!

http://www.wdef.com/system/files/images/Moon.jpg

JB's

Friday. The only day a week I can truly go out(or whatever day Mike is off). I have the freedom to go anywhere and do anything. I make plans and NONE of them go through. Luckily Tony came by and decided enough moping around the house. We got ready and went to applebee's and JB's. Awesome place! Everyone karaoke-ing there was really good!! I mean really good!! I had a great time! Came home and found out I was really good at Scattegories! LOL

Ugly...

Ugly and mean...I don't want to be this way. I don't want to find reasons to argue with him. I don't want to be mean. I don't want things to get ugly. It's all 'I want I want I want", and not fair to him. Things have gotten this way and he is at fault just like me. I am hurt so I lash out. Then he comes back at me with a wave of coldness that stops me dead in my tracks. He is better at this than me. He can completely be cold and be fine. I am cold and then I feel bad. I am hurtful and then I am in pain for what I did. I don't know how to be cold and fine. But I can't keep this up. Someone has to give again, and it will be me. If he can't keep up his half of everything, he has to leave. Its not up to me to make sure he is ok. He has made his decision about me and I have to go along with it. He chooses to not love me, he chooses the way he is around me. It's not poor Mike anymore. It's wake up and realize that you are trying to chase a rainbow and it hasn't even rained yet. That's how far away his heart is from mine and I have to love him enough to accept his decisions. I am not yet strong enough to just not care... he can be TERRIBLE, and I can't see myself shutting him out. But I can be terrible too and he has done a fine job shutting me out. Life is hard enough without love getting in the way...

Late again! Fear. Waking up alone after going to sleep next to someone. You have no clue what you did wrong or if it's nothing at all. I woke up to a new reality. That everything that happened over the last few days was very real. We really aren't friends. He doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I can be cruel and mean and he has had enough, but the stubbornness in me will blame him. Why is he done? Why can't he commit? I am trying to just write what I feel down so I don't make the same mistake of telling him in a fit of rage. But do I really owe him that? Must I be this polite? Are his feelings supposed to be that important to me? Whether the answer is yes or no, I still feel this way. I still feel that I love him more than anything.

Wicked!!

The most amazing musical I have ever seen! Actually, the only one. Still, it was really good. This has been one of the best birthday's ever. On Wednesday, I had a really big argument with Michael that finally brought whatever we had left in our relationship to a close. I acted out of anger and I was cruel. So was he. He decided we had nothing left, not even a friendship and I cried. He showed no emotion. It was over. All that was left was two beautiful boys that show me of a time when love was enough. It was enough to have them, and the memories of a great us live inside of them. So it was a very hard day to say the least. Very hard to answer the phone at work because I kept crying and all I wanted to do was crawl under a rock. I ended up going to dinner with Beth and we had an ok time. It was decent, we laughed and got along. Then we went to Brian's house to have drinks...I tried something called Cherry Dr. It was very good. I passed out at about 1:00 and got up at 6:30 to go home. From there I met my mother, did laundry(ALL OF IT!!) and she took me out to lunch. It was very nice and I really wanted to be around people that I cared about. She came to watch the kids at about 5:00. Getting ready couldn't have taken longer and I was in such a hurry. We left, traffic took forever and we got there 15 min late, but the show was so good, it kind of made up for it. It was a really nice birthday indeed. Now, seeing that my birthday fell on Valentine's day. That was the sad part. I am going to have to get used to it. No flowers, no hearts, no cards, no love... I have had it for nine years now and I guess took it for granted, but I really wanted it. I gave Michael his Valentine's gift, that took far too long to make. A CD with all the songs that I could think of that reminded me of our past. But don'tcha know that I burned the CD wrong so he couldn't play it. He did appreciate the poem that took me weeks and it felt good for him to say that I was getting better at writing. I guess I owe to you since I have pretty much written everything that I have felt in this blog. So thank you blog, you are helping me express myself. As we drew closer to the end of the night and I was waiting in the car while he brought roses to his best friend, I realized that I am far from any level of friendship with him. It was like this was my birthday and he felt the need to give me one last good one. A great going away gift. I just started to feel really down knowing that it was it. And once I went to sleep my dream would be over.

Screw You!

Ugh! It makes me mad that he acts like I am his charity! I don't need him, I don't want to want him anymore! Of course I want to move on...who doesn't! It just drives me nuts to hear from people that he can't stand it here or he feels like he needs to get out of here. Well then, by all means leave! He just drives me absolutely nuts. I don't get it. It's too much to be married, too much to be special, too much to be just friends. Hell, I'm sure he'd be happy never seeing me again. But what pisses me off is that he is a selfish immature boy! Me me me me is all he is about. When he wants me he is nice and when he doesn't, he couldn't push me farther away. I am really upset about how he takes advantage of certain aspects of our relationship. Yet he claims to want to work this out. I am tired and I pray I can handle everything this way from now on. I need this courage to get through this. But along with it come anger, I am angry at him for being so ... so ...stupid! Yes stupid, who would throw so much away to just be selfish?
Well, nowadays, probably everyone. No one thinks about self sacrifice and what it's worth in the end. No one, the whole world today is all about them selves and how they can be happier, well, how happy can you be if you haven't felt sadness, we all need discipline, responsiblity, sacrifice, these things make us decent human beings... So screw you Michael and your attitude towards me.....whew, that felt good.

Crazy (last week)

If I felt that I could come to a decision in the crazy phase of my life...it couldn't come soon enough. The longer I wait the more I think I am loosing control of what small things I think I have control over.

Carpet guy!

So today I felt bold and very inappropriate. A guy came into the office to clean the carpets and no one was really there but me and my ex best friend. It was kind of funny because I found the opportunity to just blurt out lots of stuff bottled in my mind. Since I didn't know the guy, I just made fun of the whole situation with her there. It was so funny, she turned red and didn't know where to hide. I wouldn't be so aggressive about this situation if I wasn't sure that she has just been using my husband as one of her guy adventures that help her get away from her ugly marriage. If she cared about him...she couldn't prove it. If she didn't then he is stupid for caring about her. Either way it just sucks and I took a moment to make them feel stupid. It was amusing and she got mad, but got over it because she said he fell for her because we had been going wrong since way before her. TO THAT I SAY...WHATEVER! You will not win him. He is not a trophy. He is a great guy that you do not deserve. So if there are people that we don't know that will hear my side then so be it...you will be shown in your light dear, and you will not like it. If he doesn't want me that is fine, but I will be damned if he will leave me to be with someone like you. You are nothing like me and not in a better way...it would be a step down for him.

Tones... WTF???

Dear Mr. You know who you are,

I know when I have a tone, an ok, whatever, uh huh, you can say these words and have total different meanings to them depending on your tone!! Rhonda even agreed with me. So when you think that you don't have a tone, but you really do. Just think of how long I've known you and how much I know about you. That's right you have a tone, just be mad enough to admit it. And we can battle out your attitude all you want. I get them too, people are only human. So DON'T act like your perfect and just know that people see when you have a "tone"